Well, I guess that's it. I guess I'm just going to try and move the fuck on because I'm getting nowhere fast trying anything otherwise. I just hope maybe you realized just how much I truly love you and how I was willing to do just about anything for you. I worshiped you and genuinely believed that you were the most gorgeous girl on the face of the Earth and that we were perfect for each other. I promise you, this will be one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made.

We weren't supposed to end this way. Nothing ever should. We shared everything together. And then this happened and it was like BAM, I'm left with nothing. Nothing but some of the best memories I've ever had with someone who no longer loves me, the most intense fear and self-doubt, feeling colder than any human being should ever feel. I've never felt so broken. You've shattered my confidence, my happiness, and my heart.

I still can't believe it. I hope you feel fucking terrible for what you did. I hope you've realized all the pain you've put me through. I hope my cries still keep you up at night. I hope you never forget it. And I hope one day, you can feel this pain too. I hope someone rips your heart out and fucking stomps on it, like you did to me.

I hope you're fucking happy.



I hate being so bitter about everything, but so far, my optimism for us has gotten me pretty much nowhere. Your indifference to me and the way I feel makes me feel like I'm only wasting my energy now.

Sigh.

Despite all that, I will always love you. Call me crazy, but I will always, always love you. I want to give us another chance because I absolutely do not want things to end the way they have, and have that be that. I hope that you feel the same way. Please don't allow this to be as bitter an ending as it has been...I'll always be waiting; my arms are always open. I'll never give up on you. If you need more time, whatever, I'll give you more time. We will be together again someday...

viva lenore: I feel awful that I can't appreciate you now
viva lenore: but
viva lenore: I will again some day

I'm sitting here in my dorm room, one week of classes down, and I'm thinking "WTF happened?!"

College was like that thing in your future that you always knew would come, but kinda never did. And then, you graduate high school and it's like "Shit, college?"

I go to the University of Dubuque, in Dubuque, Iowa, about 157 miles straight west of home in Lake Villa. It's a three and a half hour drive back. It sucks.

I have two classes a day (minus Thursdays) and my flight block on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. The flight block is for my flight training, because I'm a Flight Ops major. The flight block is the only fun thing I get to do here...flying planes is fun. Classrooms BLOW. Otherwise, there is almost nothing to do out here the middle of nowhere, Iowa. Woohoo.

Gotta eat all meals in the cafeteria, community showers and bathroom, shit-tons of loans, blah, blah, blah. I don't like this. I wanna go home. Maybe it's just homesickness...either way, I just want to crawl into my bed and just hide from the world for a while.

I'm stressed like crazy. This is a huge change and I'm still trying to adjust.

And then, on top of that, Allison's tired of me and wants to see other people. How wonderful. The ONE person that I rely on most for love and support. And, of course, when I need it most. It was funny how she wrote all that shit about me...about how much she loved me and how she took me for granted and stuff. She even sent me a text message telling me that she took back everything she ever said about leaving me. Basically, from what I can tell, when it comes down to it, it was just a lie. This is a good time for a line from Bayside: "Don't lift me up with your strong intent on dropping me back down..." I'm pretty sure she had every intention of still leaving me. And it really hurts. I could write pages and pages about it. I'm just totally shocked and hurt. It would also conveniently be when I was happy with everything. I realized how I needed to treat her better. So I did, and she hated it. It was like a role-reversal. How I used to ignore her to a certain extent and not love her near enough while she loved me like crazy. She used to hug me all the time and I'd push her off a lot...I can't apologize to her enough for that...

Now I'm lucky to get a hug and kiss from her at all sometimes -______-...and I love her hugs and kisses...going for however long I'll have to go without them is going to be so hard.

But it's my turn to experience it, I guess. It is the epitome of shitty, not being loved as much as you love.

And I don't want anyone else. I just want her. I won't be totally happy again until I have her back. I guess all I can do is wait and pray for a miracle. I've never loved anyone so much or shared so many memories with anyone else. She is and will continue to be my everything, my number one...I just hope she misses me soon...I hope she still loves me and wants me again regardless of my flaws and regardless of my past mistakes...

-sigh- We were one of those couples, ya know? The ones who nobody thought would ever break up. The ones who everybody thought were so cute and were gonna get married someday.

I hate how this has turned into one of those stupid cliche little quotes like "All good things must come to an end."

I don't know if it's the end. If everything goes "according to plan," it won't be. I can only hope that it works.

In conclusion, fuck my life and fuck my emo bullshit. I'm gonna write a song or some shit.

Allison Rae Harrison, I love you with all of my heart, and I hope you NEVER forget that...

I want you back...I want you to be mine...I want you to love me again...

End.

Meh, I just feel the need to write something here.  It feels good to let it out in one way or another.

I'm in a pretty weird point right now.  At this moment I can think of a number of emotions I'm feeling: stress, fear, happiness, and lonliness, I guess.

Wow, I feel kinda depressed...I guess I get into a really shitty mood before I write or something.  It just really seems like whenever I actually stop and look at how my life is and everything, I get kinda sad or disappointed.  But I know that I shouldn't...overall, I guess I can't really complain.

I feel totally stressed though, for a number of reasons.  Trying to keep everyone happy and stuff.  Homework, relationships (all of them), back in the band with Sam again, and a couple other things I don't really feel like mentioning right now.  Fearing what might happen in the future.  Happy because I'm getting a new guitar and I've got the Windows 7 beta to mess around with.  I suppose the lonliness thing is my fault.  I'm sure everyone's kinda felt like they've got nobody left at one point.

Generally, I think I live a really sad life overall.  I mostly spend my weekends in my room on the internet.  I feel pretty pathetic.  That's probably why my personality is so lame and bland.

I actually can't wait to go to college now.  I just want to start over for the most part.  I just want to get away.  Cliche, yes, but I don't care...it's how I feel.  I want to leave my problems behind, if I even really have any.  By the time graduation rolls around, everything'll be just fine, and I'm sure I won't be dying to get away quite as bad.  Meh, either way, it'll be fun to finally start learning things that I'll actually be able to use in life.

Shit, this is really depressing and it's pissing me off XD.

School's been okay.  I'm alright with my classes, although I really wish I didn't have a full schedule.  I'm really looking forward to the day we get to check out the cameras for digital photography.  Hopefully it'll be something I'm good at.  We'll see I guess.

I really hope my parents'll let me go to Ohayocon this year...anything that'll hold me over until ACen sounds absolutely wonderful right now.  Conventions like those are like an escape from life, which is just what I need XD.

Here's some pictures of the guitar I'm buying.  It's a 2005 Gibson Les Paul Studio, woo!  I'm so exciteddd.

Alright, I think I'm done here.  It's 3:43 and I'm tired.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Good night.

Well holy shit, Xanga, I practically forgot you existed.

XD Ya know, this is pretty funny...I only blog really late at night/really early in the morning (depending on how you look at it...).  The sun's not coming up quite yet like in my last entry from fucking JULY, but it's probably getting pretty damn close.

Bit of a recap on the last entry for those of you who may be interested.  I find it hilarious about how scared I was before I went into surgery.  I think the nurses could tell, because they gave me a mask that supplied me with a combo of oxygen and laughing gas to kinda calm me down.  It wasn't working cuz I was so freaked out, so they boosted the amount going through the mask and that calmed a little bit.  They told me "If you're feeling funny or sick, you've gotta let us know."  Well, I was getting sorta nausceous, but I didn't say anything cuz I knew they were getting the IV ready.  They put the IV in my arm, I waited for something to happen for a few seconds, and the next thing I know, I wake up 4 hours later in my living room.  My parents told me that the surgeon handed me the teeth he extracted in this little bag and I gave 'em to my mom and the walked me out to the car and everything.  I don't remember ANY of that ever happening.  But yeah, I got the "normal" three teeth removed, and at the follow-up appointment a week or so after the procedure, we determined that I would get another x-ray of the other two in the top-left corner of my mouth at the beginning of this next summer so that we can determine whether or not we need to do something about them at that time.  I'm actually kinda hoping I have to get them removed, because that entire experience was pretty fun overall XD.

Onto more of the current stuff, yaaay...

Well here I am at the end of 2008.  Today is the last day of a year which I would consider, yet again, an overall success.  I'm pretty happy and content at the moment, and this year went pretty well.  Allison and I are still together (and we're both pretty happy about it XD), I got accepted into the University of Dubuque and I'll be majoring in Flight Operations (considering minoring in Aviation Mangement, as well), I got a new guitar, ya know, fun stuff.

Christmas came and went pretty quickly...I'm kinda sad that the Christmas season is all over now, but now I've got some new toys to enjoy for the next year XD.  Some of the things I got for Christmas:  a titanium spork, Flight Simulator X, a bunch of t-shirts, an Abercrombie sweater (I can't believe it either XD), some more jeans from CCS, a new belt, a new camera (thanks Allison! <333), Mirror's Edge for the Xbox 360, a bunch of candy, a tiny little 8 gb flash drive, and an FM transmitter for my Zune.  There's a few more things that I don't really feel like mentioning right now, or might've forgotten.  It's 4 in the morning, give me a break.  Oh, and right now, I'm on one of my Christmas presents from myself: my new computer, yaaay.  Intel E2160 dual core processor currently (at 4:17 am) overclocked @ 2.8 ghz from 1.8 ghz stock, 320 gig hard drive, 4 gigs of RAM, 384 mb onboard video...it's a fun little machine.

EDIT: Here comes the rambling.

Man, I'm bored now.  I'm transferring files that I backed up onto my laptop onto this computer so that I can get everything sorta like the way it was on my old machine.  And for some reason, it's taking for-freaking-ever, agh.  I'm still jobless, biiig surprise.  Looked like I was gonna have a job a couple of times, but nope.  Guess I'll just have to keep looking...lame.  I wanna go to Chicago with a bunch of people and hang out.  It's sweet.  I haven't done that in forever though =/.  My feet are really cold.  Grr.  I'm gonna post some pictures on this entry...just not right now...I've gotta download 'em off of my new camera first B).  First camera I've had where you can set the shutter speed, so I've been playing around with a laser on a wall with a fifteen-second exposure.  It looks so cool.  I'll post a couple of those, too.   I've gotta remember to install the Sims on here...I bet it'll run seamlessly on (currently) 2.8 ghz, dual-core machine with 4 (3.25 recognizable) gigs of RAM.  Woo!  Now I'll get to read this tomorrow and laugh at myself for writing such incoherent thoughts, but I'll get to play the Sims, so it doesn't matter.  Muahahahaha........ahem.

Well, uh, I suppose I'm done for now.  More updates to come, assuming I'm supremely bored and I think of Xanga.  Man, I love the feeling of this new keyboard XD.

Good night (or morning to some) everyone!